… more co-dependence
My own story of co-dependence is one I can only report in hindsight. As with any child, your life is just your life and your family is just your family. No comparison is possible when you’re very young. But two incidents regarding emotions stand out for me. As a young teenager I remember having to “vent” big time. In some social group that I was part of I untypically blubbered all over who was available at the time, I can’t remember over what. Unembarrassed, letting it all hang out! Certainly not how I was trained to be!– remarking to myself that this had never happened before. Another incident I recall was in my early 20’s was a temper tantrum I had at my house over something my brother had done. I remember clearly how it was received – my parents were truly aghast – no one at our house ever ever raised their voice about anything, much less had a raging melt-down. No wonder my strongest memory regarding emotions was of me walking along the street near my house and chanting to myself: “you don’t feel anything, you don’t feel anything, you don’t feel anything!”
What these incidents tell me now is how little emotions were valued or allowed. One felt them, perhaps, quietly by oneself when you allowed yourself to feel, but mostly they were just background, unacknowledged, somewhere way behind you, nothing important, nothing meaningful.
When you take that attitude and put it up against the latest research in emotional intelligence or EQ, there seems to a shocking disconnect between what I and many of us were taught as children, and what actually runs our lives. Emotions? Not important? They say most of our purchases are based not on rational decisions but on emotion. Surprise! Our reactions to people – we decide in the first few seconds on meeting someone, what we think of them, on rational thinking? No! on our emotional reactions! They say to understand a person best you need to know their EQ much more than their IQ!
As a recovering co-dependent, I believe them.
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